Love is such a difficult thing to understand yet is such a basic thing. From the ultimate parent bond and spousal love to the base food obsession and collector’s euphoria. So many movies fail when they can’t explain the love between two characters and the loss or conflict does not register with the audience.
A huge part of love is trust. This is why love of inanimate things are considered less. You don’t have to ‘trust’ things, they just are. However you do express frustration, disappoint, appreciation over the people involved with the objects – the ill prepared dish, the unresponsive machine. Fandom is a human love without trust. There is no actual relationship. The people we ‘love’ we love as objects and as animated as they may be, they do not interact with us – the celebrities, the politicians, the admired.
This is why we can form special bonds with animals. They are interactive but the relationship is limited to our, and their, understanding. I’ve always said people mostly see things from their own perspective. We project our understanding and perspectives on our pets. If we see animals as objects, we expect no response. Thus the separation between livestock and pets. And when studies present that animals feel pain, this is like proving the infinity of space. You can accept and comprehend or ignore without understanding. Again, we project our own perspectives.
So when we love each other, we enter into a complex interaction in which trust becomes a huge component. Trust, like communication, is a two way street. The different is, if it is not confirmed, it is assumed. So when trust is broken and takes alot of assumptions to override the doubts that form from broken trust. Respect is putting a mutuality on our interactions and it knows no age. “Respect your elders” is used to curve the bravado of youth yet sometimes the ‘elders’ use it to disregard their mutual obligations. Respect, like trust and communication, is a two way – and equal – street.
So love between two people is a constant dance and every interaction risks a misstep or synchronicity. This is why marriage is difficult and friendships are easier. A ‘true friendship’ ventures into the same boundaries as marriage. While there are many differences between marriage and friendship, one critical difference is escape. Theoretically, a marriage is more difficult to end then a friendship. The bonds of marriage are intentioned to be difficult to break – its to force a resolution. Friendships are much easier to break, whether from intentional disuse or accidental, the level of trust is typically not built up to levels of a marriage. This is why true and close friendships are so rare. This makes the gays’ pursuit of same-sex marriage so understandable.
Marriage ‘forces’ these levels of trust. But even in marriage this rise of trust isn’t automatic. The interactions occur so often there’s huge opportunities for missteps. Over time patterns emerge and behaviors are accepted. So marriages become as infinite as personalities. Some marriages seem strange but that’s how their dance is done. Some dances are just for show, some look uncomfortable. Sometimes the music is boring, sometimes you listen and can’t see how anyone can dance to it. And sometimes you can’t. Sometimes you hear the music and rhythm is so compelling the dance could be done with a cardboard cutout. But you can’t dance with cardboard cutout, you can only swing it around. Some dances are beautiful, some are awkward. Sometimes the music stops and we hold our breath to see where each other are going. But the music in a marriage never stops, so when it does, that’s called a measure change.
I am so happy in my dance. And while the kids worry when we fight, and I know I sometimes step on Desi’s toes and she sometimes steps on mine but most of the time we swing with the music. Music is such an important part of my life and while I long ago realized I am a little extreme in my level of musical obsession – yet I know there are others who do share that same level of obsession. And while Desi doesn’t share my level of interest in music she shares my interest in our dance.
Since we starting dating, I’ve looked for something I could say that would crystallize my feelings for her and while I have tried in poems, notes and cards they are only glimpses and fragments to a dance done to the music I hear in my head. And while I may spin too fast, or swing my arms too high, or not quite get the timing right or catch her toes, the music goes on. And it is so easy to mess up when you don’t know if you are the one leading or the one following. But for every toe I get, I will give her one of mine; for it is only in the last few years I am beginning to realize the music still has a while to play.
Children have no concept of time. To a child, a 20 year old is old. To young adults, “old age” gets bumped to the 30 and 40’s. Now, at 50, we think 60, 70 & 80 is old. I never thought I would be old. I always viewed a tragic end; that I would go “before my time”, as they say. So I never thought Desi and I would grow old together. Retirement was for Desi and the kids but not for me.
But as I approach 50, I am just now beginning to see our old age. And our dance begins to slow down. We don’t misstep as much and when we do they, while they still hurt, the pain does not linger as long. Even now as I type this — I can hear the softer strands being played. I close my eyes and feel the air move past – I must not be leading, or I don’t care about hurting others. I feel our sway in this slower life and I am so aware of so many things now. I see dances everywhere and with everyone. I hear all the different music and see all the different movements. I see my family as they dance by. I see my friends, I see everyone swaying, moving, dancing.
Desi and I do have a song – its Bob Dylan’s “Emotionally Yours”. When I would DJ I would announce the last song of the evening but the REAL last song was always “Emotionally Yours”. It is what Desi had engraved into my wedding band. And as my young fiance thought should she would surprise me with a ‘fancy’ wedding band with fine details and small diamonds, all I really wanted was a simple band of gold. So for our twenty wedding anniversary that’s what she got me. And inside she had engraved, “EY Still” for Emotionally Yours Still. And now that’s how we sign our cards to each other – “EY Still”.
So as we dance into another Halloween Season, I got my Halloween cards picked out. We’ll dance into the season of demons, ghosts and creatures. Sometime the beginning of October Desi converts the house, with four Rubbermaid bins of Halloween decorations, into a Halloween Craft Sale. And guests and visitors will remark on all the decorations and we’ll explain that we were married on Halloween. The kids’ birthdays also encompass the season and that was not by design. And we do love our monsters, and vampires, and zombies. OK, maybe our family sits down to watch The Walking Dead like other families watch a Disney movie; and Shawn of the Dead is our favorite comedy and the kids grew up on Nightmare Before Christmas.
But Desi and I know, the Halloween season isn’t about the decorations, the movies or all the cute scary things things we enjoy. Its really not even about the Bob Dylan song, its about – The Dance.
Enjoy yours.
